Fixing Regrets
by MacMhuirich
Summary: Tony feels rather lonely among his friends and ponders about - what else? - missed chances Written for the "Missed Opportunity Challenge!" and the "We Love Tony Challenge"


_Opportunities fly by while we sit regretting the chances we have lost,_  
_and the happiness that comes to us we heed not, because of the happiness that is gone._  
_~ Jerome K. Jerome ~_

A perfect and happy ending to a tough and stressful case saw the team hang out in O'Neill's to buoy up from the strain.

It took awhile, but eventually, little by little, they all felt the tension drain from taut bodies and hyperactive minds. It had been a tradition with Gibbs' team to go for a drink at O'Neill's bar upon closure of some special cases, rather than each going their own separate ways to continue brooding about mankind's criminal nature.  
Only a slim minority of the cases they handled ended well. In this case, a child abduction which by every aspect should've evolved into murder, eventually proved one huge misunderstanding in which well-meaning yet meddling friends and neighbors furnished the wildest and most contradictory hypotheses around a young family and their missing darling.

Anyway, the case which had the team on a merry-go-round looking for the missing child and his father, a Marine, ended with the overjoyed parents in a tight and loving embrace with their boy.  
And now, here they were; NCIS' crack team slowly relaxing into comfortable banter and chit-chat.

Or rather, all of them but one.

Tony was unusually quiet and, equally exceptional for his friends and co-workers, nobody seemed to have even noticed.

He took a sip from his drink and set the glass back down on the table and leaned back, watching his circle of friends engaged in light conversation.

There was Gibbs with his odd lopsided little smile taking in the animated chatter without actively participating as was his wont. Not even buckets brimming over with bourbon would get the man gabby.

Ducky… Well, Ducky would always be Ducky. What more was there to say? He was a sucker for surrounding himself with friends who would never tire of his stories.

Talking of which… Tony's eyes rested on Ellie and Jake who were intently listening to another of Ducky's many anecdotes.

His gaze went to Tim leaning over to whisper something funny in Delilah's ear which made her laugh, the light peals musical and sweet to the ear. It was great to see Tim so happy after all he and Delilah had been through. It had to be said Delilah had adjusted better than expected to her handicap. She was so strong and so courageous and Tim so caring without smothering her with compassion.

Suddenly, he was painfully reminded of his loneliness. For all his reputation as the womanizer and expert Casanova, he was very much alone.

The noise in the crowded bar muted around him and the world seemed to slow down as if he sat in his very own bubble looking out at the surrounding world and soon his mind wandered to that day when he had lied to her.

_Jeanne._

"_Was any of it real?"_

The briefest of pauses…followed by a curt: "_No."_

"_I wish I'd never met you."_

He. Had. Lied. To her…

Like a coward. Afraid of committing himself to her love.

And the last he saw of her, that he would always recall, were the glistening tears as she'd dismissed him from her heart.

He'd hid the turmoil he'd felt by showing her an expressionless face. Cold as ice he must've appeared to her, whilst in truth, deep down, he was slowly but surely consumed by shame and loss in equal measures.

Afraid of facing her disappointment and her anger at his betrayal; his using her to get to her father.

Against his better judgment and totally unpredictable, he'd fallen in love with her.

Until then he'd always been able to hold his heart locked and safe.

Jeanne...was different from the bevy of female admirers he knew he attracted. She was brainy without being braggy. She was patient and understanding which literally threw him, knowing what her father represented. She was gorgeous and sweet.

He sucked in a breath, seeing her smiling face in his mind's eye, and leaned forward to pick up his glass.

To cut it short, she was everything he'd expected his lady to be.

Amazingly, she hadn't realized until the last that he'd lied...no, not lied… Deceived her. No, not that either.

Tony frowned.

His heart hadn't lied, had it? In spite of his brain telling him otherwise. He had fought temptation by bending it to make it useful for his undercover assignment.

And so, after his 'dating' her had served its purpose in getting close to her dad, he'd blown it and he'd missed his chance at finally having found - kept - his soul mate.

A sudden explosion of laughter startled him into awareness of his environment again and for the first time, he felt the bitter stirrings of jealousy in his gut at the sight of Tim watching Delilah with such a loving and longing expression.  
Pushing those thoughts away, he allowed himself to be caught up in the fantasy of a life with Jeanne. His memories even got him to actually smell her special scent of hospital disinfectants and her favorite eau de parfum.

He looked away only for his eyes to rest on Jimmy and Breena and watching them together as well he felt his heart squeeze painfully. He couldn't help but recall when he'd been irascibly jealous of the nerdy Autopsy Gremlin getting a girl when...he himself...

Suddenly, he realized what he shouldn't have missed years ago. He might have been looked upon as the funniest and sexiest guy in all NCIS but what had it gained him? Even Ziva had believed him incapable of being in a serious and long term relationship.

_Ziva!_

He sucked in a breath.

After her father's death, she'd made her intentions quite clear. She'd had enough of working as an agent and cut all ties with her former co-workers and friends in the States.

Raking his hand through his hair in agitation, he recalled the words she uttered when they parted.

"_You are so loved."_

They had shared a last kiss on the tarmac.

"_Hardest 180 of my life,"_ had been his last words before turning his back to the woman he'd loved - still loved - to board the plane for the longest flight back to DC.

And so he'd left her behind and only God knew if they'd ever meet again.

Since then, not a day had passed without him blaming himself for not having held on to her. He hadn't done enough and so he'd botched his chances.

Amidst a sudden burst of laughter - was that Gibbs guffawing? - he felt a sting of jealousy jabbing at his heart with a sharp pang of emotional hurt at being surrounded by his friends and their dear ones whereas he couldn't manage to sustain a relationship.

What an eye-opener it was to still be with no significant other at his age amidst couples!

No Ziva...

Gibbs, in that low and collected voice of his, now embarked on a tall tale from his days as a Marine and the others had gone all hushed, avidly listening. It wasn't often this taciturn man regaled them with stories.

None of them seemed to have noticed their friend's uncharacteristic reticence.

Tony furrowed his brow pensively, thinking of the delicate golden necklace that bore David's Star and which now sat on his bedside table beside a framed picture of her. He had returned it to her, back in Israel. It wasn't until halfway through the flight home that his fingers, when searching for a handkerchief, brushed against the necklace in his pocket, and it struck him that Ziva had slipped it back into his pocket.

Could he still make it work? Could he still hold hope to make her change her mind and come back? For him? To him?

Was a missed chance truly irretrievably lost?

Surely there was always the possibility to fix it?

His decision made and without further ado, Tony pushed back his chair and got up, pulling out his cell phone as he walked out of the bar, his step light with renewed vigor and hope, unaware of his friends' understanding gazes.

Today, he was going to rewrite his own future and embrace it; another day and a new beginning.

More importantly, one which included Ziva.

**_The End_**


End file.
